Big Time Complications
by fuck 'till you die
Summary: What if Kendall finds James cutting himself and James run away. What if Jmaes comes back and is being more distant then ever. sorry, i suck at summaries. rated T for language and self harm. This is first fanfiction so, be nice.
1. Chapter 1

**James P.O.V.**

**I look in the mirror, I see James Diamond in the reflection, James Diamond from the band Big Time Rush. Everybody sees me as the person with the good looks, the hottest girls and best haircut. They all think I'm happy, but I'm not, I hate my life. I take a razor in my hands and put it on my skin. I never got used to the cold of the metal. I start pushing it into my skin. I start slicing it over my arm. I feel pain but I ignore it and close my eyes When I open my eyes I see blood dripping and hear someone saying my name: "James? What are you doing?" Shit I forgot to lock the door. I see Kendall standing at the door with a shocked face. I try to say something but I can't, instead of speaking I start to sob and soon he haves me in his arms. He asks me with tears in his eyes: "Why are you doing this to yourself?" I start: "I …I… just…leave it, forget what you saw and don't talk about it anymore." I want to run away, but when I push him away and run to the door, he grabs my wrist "James! I can't forget what I have seen, so just tell me." "No!" I shout and push him against wall, I push him hard. I hear his head bashing against the wall, and hear him moan. I run away but before I leave I say: "I'm sorry, Kendall." When I run to the door, suddenly the door opens. It's the two shortest members of the band. Logan and Carlos. They smile at me and say: "Hey, James, you look so angry." I just push them out of the way and run to the park. I see a bench and walk to the bench. I sit down and think about the things I did. I have hurt my best friend, my BEST friend. We were always close but it changed a couple of weeks ago, when I started cutting. Then we just weren't so close anymore, he still wanted to be, but I just began to be distant. How did I get this far? It starts to rain but I don't care. I stay sitting on the bench and think about what I should do next. **

**-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-**

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

**I feel my head hit the wall. I smash to the ground and hear James say that he's sorry. Why would he do this, to himself? I haven't done anything wrong, and he does this. I see Logan standing there. He rushes to me and asks, concerned: "What happened? Did you and James had a fight? I saw him rushing out of the apartment, with a very angry face." "Yeah, me and James had a little fight, but suddenly he just pushed me instead of screaming. But where is he? If he really ran away, we have to find him." Logan says: "Maybe it's better that you don't see each other for a moment, because of the fight. Or you will be fighting again." "Yeah, you're probably right." But he wasn't, what if James would do something stupid, like suicide or getting himself kidnapped. I stand up while Carlos and Logan go searching for James. They didn't want me to be with them, because if James would see me we would fight again. Damn, I should have just said that I slipped, instead of such a horrible lie.**

**James P.O.V.**

**How could I be so bad for my friends, they didn't do anything wrong. Logan and Carlos are always nice for me, and Kendall is also. In my eyes he can't do anything wrong. But that's maybe because I'm in love with him. Yep, that's right, I'm in love with him. How strange it may sound, I'm in love with a boy, Kendall Knight. And man, he's hot, sensitive, sweet, carrying, funny happy and hot. Yeah, I said hot twice, he's superhot. Oh yeah, he's even that happy that he can make me smile even if I feel depressed. So, five things to describe myself: gay, depressed, a cutter, fucked up and hopelessly in love. Hmm, nice life. Great, it starts raining, my hears all soaked, I'm in a T-shirt, while it's so cold in the rain.**

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

**I waited for two hours before I was really panicking. It was now 11 o'clock he still wasn't home. Luckily my sister and mother weren't here or she would be all stressed out. Logan and Carlos searched the entire Palm Woods but no James, Camille had seen him storm out of the building so he was outside. It was 12 o'clock when Logan and Carlos were gone for sleeping and I stayed awake. I had my cell phone me all the times in case James would call. When it was 10 after 1 I heard a key in the lock and then the door opened. It was James, soaking wet, hair all messed up and what you could see the most were his red, puffy eyes. He had been crying, and was still crying. "Where were you, James?" I asked. He answered: "I just want to go to bed, Kendall." "No, I want to know where you were, and why you're cutting yourself." "Just drop it, alright. You don't have to know everything about me!" he shouted. I yelled back: "I never said that I had to know everything about you, but I'm just concerned!" "Well, don't be, everything's fine." With that he walked to our shared bedroom. I walked after him and closed the door. He crawled in bed and hid under the covers. I said, before I also got to bed: "Logan and Carlos don't know what you did. I said that we had a fight. So don't be concerned about that." Before I turned off the lights I heard him mumble: "Thanks." At least he said that.**

**James P.O.V.**

**"Thanks." Happily that the covers where over my head or he would hear the sadness in my voice. After he was also under the covers, I started to cry again. Fuck, why do I keep hurting him like that? Tomorrow I'll be nicer to him and Carlos and Logan.**

**-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-**

**At 3 o'clock I still wasn't asleep. I just couldn't sleep because I was so cruel against Kendall. I stood up, and walked towards his bed. I watched him sleep for a while. I kissed him on the forehead and said: "This is for you." I walked to the bathroom and took my razor. I put it against my skin, cold. And I carve a K into my arm. The K for Kendall. Now I could sleep. I walk back to my bed, and when I lay down I immediately fall asleep. But first I watch Kendall sleep for a while. God, he's hot.**

**Sorry, this chapter is short, it's kinda of a introduction.**

**Sorry for the bad english, it's not my motherlanguage**

**Good/bad, review  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

**As I wake up I see that it's ****10 o'clock, and James bed is empty. Strange, normally James wakes up at 12 o'clock. I look into the bathroom. Okay, no signs of blood OR James. I walk into the living room, and search further. I see James sitting in the orange l-shaped couch. I walk towards him and I go sit next to him. I want to say something but he shuts me up. He says: "I'm sorry; Kendall. For everything." "It's nothing, James. I can't stay angry at you. But I just want to know what's bothering you so much. Why you… you know… do that." When I point to his arm. I see a few tears in his eyes, but he says: "I can't tell you everything, but I can answer some questions" So he wants to tell me some things, but not everything. That's good for me; at least he's not shutting everybody out of his world. So he made progress, now he doesn't ignore me anymore. "So, if you ask a question, then I'll see if I can answer that question." I ask him the most normal question: "Why do you cut yourself?" Okay, that was direct, but hey, I just want to know. He opens his mouth and says: "I do it because, when I do it, I forget my problems, and I also do it because I turn emotional pain in physical pain." I ask: "But why? Why do you have emotional pain? Did Carlos or Logan do something wrong?" James says: "No. They didn't do anything wrong." Good, it isn't their fault; if it would be their fault I would beat the crap out of them. James is my best friend, and I'm not gonna see how anyone would destroy him. Or that he destroys himself. Then it came right into me. "Did… did I do something wrong?" Again he says no. "Who?" James says: "It are just the small things that became one big issue. You know, I wanted to be an actor or a popstar, because if I was, I would be away from my dad. He punched me everyday, called me names everyday. I hated him, and still hate him." "What about your mom? Didn't she do something about it?" "No, one time she did… the first time he punched me. She wanted to stop him, but he hit her back, really, really hard. From that moment she stopped protecting me. And after she died, the beatings only became worse. Did you know that, when I was 'sick' in the vacation, for four weeks, actually, I had three broken ribs because of my father. Nobody cares about me, I'm only here on this planet to be laughed with, to be punched or yelled at." A few tears streamed over his face. After a few minutes he started again. "When you took us here, to be a band, I was so happy. I could run away from the beatings. I could run away from the life that I had and start a new one…" he starts to cry harder and lays his head against my chest. I put my hands on his back and draw circles. He says: "I'm never gonna be accepted." I grab his head and place it right in front of my face. I say: "What do you mean, Everybody here accepts you." "No, I'm not going to be accepted after everybody knows my biggest secret." "It can't be that bad of a secret? You know, you can tell me everything, James." He says: "Kendall… I'm… I'm… I'm gay. For a very long time." He probably expect that I'm going to hit him. I say: "So? That doesn't bother me. It's completely normal, you know." "Thanks, but don't tell it at the other guys." "Sure, I just wait till you want to tell them." He hugs me and I hug him back. When we're still hugging, I ask: "But why did you do so mean to us? We didn't do anything wrong." He says: "Because.. I don't know why I was so mean against Carlos and Logan. But, I know why I was so pissed at you." I was shocked and sad at the same time. He was angry at the guys for no reason, that's okay for me, but he had a reason to be mad at me. "What did I… what did I do wrong?" He says quickly: "No, no, it's not like that. It's just because…" His face becomes red when he says it "…I'm in love with some one. But he's bot gay and has a girlfriend." Okay, what the hell has that to do with me? He continues: "And you Kendall, you remind me a lot of him. I'm sorry." I say: "don't be sorry, dude. That you are in love with a DUDE that raminds you of me is a good thing." I see him looking with a questioning look. "It means you have good taste." "EGO!" I say: "Then ypou crush has that too." Suddenly he starts to cry again. I ask in panic: "What's wrong, James? Please, James, tell me." He says: "I tried to forget him, but I can't, I just can't forget him. I know I can't have him, so I tried to forget him, but I can't, and it hurts so much." He cries for ten minutes against my chest, and when he pulls back, he watches to my T-shirt. I look at it too and I see that my favourite shirt is soaked. "I'm so sorry, Kendall. I'll buy you a new one." I say: "James, forget it. You don't buy a new one. That shirt isn't important, you are. The shirt is replaceable, you aren't." I see him smile through the tears. He gets of off my chest and whipes away his tears. We put the television on and watch the news about the celeberties. Zfter 15 minutes Carlos and Logan appear into the room. The say hello and walkj to the kitchen**

**James P.O.V.**

**When we had done with breakfast Kendall pulls me at the arm into are shared room. I have a bad feeling about this. He closes the door and locks it. Fuck, he only locks the door when it's something terrible, because mamma Knight doesn't want any locked doors into the apartment. I do it always when I cut myself. He tells me to sit on the bed and says: "I forgot to ask you something." I say: "Okay, shoot." He asks me to show my arms. I couldn't do that. I didn't want to see the horror in his eyes if he saw the scares and cuts. My eyes begin to tear. I fight against the tears and it works. I shake my head but he takes it and says: "It's okay, trust me." I roll up my right sleeve and when he sees the new wounds his eyes begin to tear again. He says: "I hope you enjoyed these, because these were the last you made." I'm going to count them, and everyday I'm going to count them back, and if I see new ones, it's not going to be your best day, bud." He starts to count. After he counted them all, he takes my left arm and rolls up my left sleeve. Before I can stop him he sees it. The K in my arm. I see him looking at it with a questioning look. I say: "It's the first letter of my crush his name." He seems to understand and counts further. When he counted them al he says: "21 cuts. Tomorrow I'm going to count them again, if there are more, I'll always follow you, to the arcade, to the pool, to the bathroom, to the toilet,… You never will be alone anymore, until you see you would better stop with that." We stay there, sitting there with he holding my arms. God, his touch is great. Just like his chest, when I was lying on it, the touch on my back. I wished it never would have stopped, sadly it did, but I enjoyed it between the tears and stuff. And his scent, amazing. I tell you, Kendall is my hero, my God, my everything, if I would lose him, I would be devastated. If he died, I would commit suicide. If he would be in the hospital, I would stay there too, just to see if he's safe. Kendall stands up and goes to the door, he gives me one more look. A warning look. And I know what that warning was, only I know. **

**-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-BTR-**

**We had the day of, so we didn't had to sing today. But there was nothing to do. Just about two o'clock Kendall stands up and says: "who wants to go to the pool?" "I want to go, what about you guys?" I say when I look in the direction of the other guys. They say they don't want to go swimming. So they're going to the arcade. Kendall and me go downstairs to the pool and see that there is no one. I think it's great, now I don't have to hide the cuts. Just me and Kendall, alone. I pull my shirt over my head when Kendall jumps into the pool. I walk to the edge of the pool and go sit on it. With my legs in the water. My beautiful crush swims to me and says: "What, Is mister Diamond to good to swim in this pool? Or is the water too cold for him?" "Non of both, I just don't want my hear wet." Kendall says: "is that so?" and with that he takes my arms and pulls me into the water. I try to keep head above the water, but Kendall tries to pull me under. Suddenly he grabs me from behind with his arms around my waist. Oh, no, please not there. I want to free myself, but before I can react he pulls me down with him. Under water he still holds me at my waist. I still try to free myself, but I don't succeed. After a while I hope Kendall's going to let go, because I need to brathe now. But he doesn't. I want to fight him of, but he doesn't let me go. Fuck, Kendall, do you want to kill me? I begin to push with my arms and move quickly with my legs. Finally he let me go. When I'm above I swim to the edge of the pool. I start to cough, after a while Kendall is next to me. He looks at me and probably sees the tears on my face. I say: "Why do you do that? You know I can't hold my breath that long. And you know I don't want my hear wet also, but, damn, Kendall, I almost suffocated. I thought you didn't want to see me kill myself, but you just tried to kill me." Kendall says: "I'm sorry, James, I forgot." I already had stopped crying, but I was still panting for air. He grabbed my face and removed the hair that was in front of my eyes. He climbs out of the pool and grabs my hand. He pulls me out of the pool and we walk to our chairs. We lay ourselves down and start talking about everything. But the conversation was mostly about me. How I found out that I was gay, how old that I was then. If I ever had kissed a boy. We talk until it's darkand decide to go back to 2J. When we're waling through the hallways fro mth e Palm Woods, I say: "Thank, Kendall. For everything. For listening to me and my stupid problems. For being here for me, for not abandon me for being gay. Or being angry that I'm gay." "Hey? Why would I be mad at you? Your still the same old James that we love. The funny, good looking male that we can't live without." I let a few tears with those words and he pulls me into a hug. "Shhh, it's alright. You don't have to be ashamed for crying. Or showing your feelings." We pull back and go to our rooms. I pull out my jeans while Kendall's pulls out his T-shirt, that I cried under. Then I pull out my T-shirt and he loses his pants. I say: "This is probably awkward for you, that I see you like that, now you know I like boys." "No, it's not." Happily I walk to my bed and fall on it. Immediately I fall asleep.**


End file.
